The Cellulite Wars

About 20 years ago ago, we lived in Alabama. My sister-in-law came down from Maine to visit us. She had never been anywhere exciting, so we hopped in the car and drove to New Orleans for a weekend. We stayed in a room with two double beds. Cozy.

I didn't know her very well at the time, and we were getting acquainted fast. She had a peculiar diet that consisted mostly of french fries. Glad we picked New Orleans. Not famous for food or anything. I also discovered she had no filter -- she says whatever she thinks. Really.

It had been a long day, and we were chilling, getting ready to go out for dinner. My husband was in the bathtub. He often used to hang out in the tub and read. We called him Marat, after Jean-Paul, a notable of the French Revolution who had a skin disease and frequently soaked in medicinal baths. He was ultimately murdered in his bathtub. This fact will become relevant as this story unfolds.

The door to the bathroom was propped slightly open to let out some of the steam. My sister-in-law and I were trying to get dressed before Marat got out of the tub so as to avoid the awkward scene with his sister and his wife partially clothed. 

I was at the naked point, looking for underwear, when my sister-in-law popped her head up and said, "You know, Donna. I am amazed that with all the walking and exercise you do, you still have so much cellulite on your butt."

At this point, Dale's ears perked up, and he realized that no good could come of this. He's not a big guy. The tub was conveniently right next to the bathroom door, and he was facing the door, faucet down by his feet. He s-l-o-w-l-y put the book down on the bathmat outside the tub. He s-l-o-w-l-y slunk down as low into the water as he could, and then s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d his left leg until he touched doorknob.

I heard a tap, a rap and then a slam! Mission accomplished. Dale had successfully barricaded himself from whatever was about to take place in the bedroom. This could get ugly.

Here's the thing. I was hurt and shocked, and even though I remember it vividly 20 years later, sometimes my reactions in real time are almost stunted. I tell this story from time to time and everyone wants to know … what did you say?  What did you say when she said you were packing a lot of cottage cheese for a so-called athlete? 

I said, "I know. Go figure."

And The Cellulite Wars were over. Dale was not murdered in the tub, but interestingly, he doesn't take baths anymore. My sister-in-law and I went on to become good friends. She has developed more sophisticated eating habits. She travels well, but we don't share a room. She is a delightful person but still has no filter. I still walk and exercise, and I still have cellulite.

Cellulite. OK, I'm like, fine, whatever. But a part of me will never surrender. The way I see it, I've got forever to keep chipping away at it. Not trying to look good in a bikini by next summer. Just trying to see what long-term dedicated exercise can do for a body. I've been exercising religiously since the 70s. Personally, I see an improvement, and it has only been 30 years! Think how awesome I will look when I'm 80.

Comments

[barbara]

Cellulite is an invention of the French to pick our pocket.
Marat was treated by laying on of hands.
So, whatever we choose to do will have the effect of cosi cosi.

Very literary text, I read it with great pleasure.

[diane]

Donna,
Your story reminded me of years ago when a student wanted to fix me up with her Uncle Ray-Ray. She told me that he was "out" now (out of prison) and that he liked girls with big bootys. I took a pass on her invitation, but I still have the booty. Don't know what ever happened to Uncle Ray-Ray.

[Michelle]

Holy s***!

Okay, that was my first reaction to the unmitigated, unprovoked rudeness even though it wasn't directed at me. Now...smooth skin only exists on certain small children and airbrushed models. Even babies have cellulite on their butts. It's not our favorite thing, but at least we're in good company.

Besides, cellulite you can cover up. Ugly personality shows no matter how hard a person tries to hide it.

[Peg]

What a story. Love the Marat nickname. I think that I would have said something similar to your reply if confronted with such a thoughtless remark, which sounded more clueless than outright malicious.

As for cellulite, eh. Whaddya gonna do. It's so difficult to get rid of entirely, regardless of one's weight. Sticking with regular exercise as you do sounds like the next best thing.

[Melissa @CelluliteInvestigation]

Ha! This story made my day. I would have responded the exact same way. Then I would have thought of a really great response two weeks later.

[Judy]

Take it from me who has seen thousands of unclothed women and all their body parts (I'm a Labor nurse) more of us have cellulite than not.
It's the one's without stretch marks that I hate!

[Donna Pekar]

Melissa -- I'm glad I made your day! Thanks for visiting. For intelligent, witty and well-researched reporting on all things cellulite, check out Melissa's website at http://www.celluliteinvestigation.com/

[Suanne Ansari]

Donna,
What a hoot- made me laugh out loud! Have to remember to visit your site when I need a pick me up.
And yes, I run 4 to 6 miles a day and one day I know when I use my hand mirror to check out the rear view, that cellulite will have disappeared (I've been running for at least 20 years now...)I can be patient.

[Donna Pekar]

Hey Suanne,

Great to hear from you! It sucks that all that running hasn't purged the demon cellulite. Maybe they should make mirrors that make the cellulite disappear. Wouldn't that be cool?

[Donna Pekar]

Dianne -- The Uncle Ray-Ray story is a hoot! Thanks for sharing. By the way, I am loving the neti pot. Thank you for suggesting it. I will also be rescuing this device in a fire -- my head hasn't felt this good in ages.

[Cathy]

Hilarious! Just the pick-me-up, laugh-out-loud moment I needed! I am so enjoying all of your blogs, started with the newest and working my way backward. Not the best way to read a blog, I know. Glad I found your site!!!

P.S. And I'm reading everyone's comments, too!!!