Review: How to Never Look Fat Again

Überblonde Charla Krupp has written a new book, and it blows. I've written about Charla before  ... here and here and here. I've been a little snarky over the years but in some ways very kind. She's the anti-gray, but I have found her fashion advice helpful in the past. This book, on the other hand, blows so bad that it was worth every penny just for the privilege of saying hmpf and bullshit every other page.

The book is How to Never Look Fat Again. It's all about how to disguise your so-called figure flaws such as:

• Wide Face
• Thick Neck & Broad Shoulders
• Arm Flap
• Buddha Belly
• Wide Feet & Ankles

I was reminded of the 19th Century artist and writer Thomas Wainewright, who poisoned his sister-in-law Helen Abercrombie. While in prison he was asked why he he did it, to which he replied: "Yes; it was a dreadful thing to do, but she had very thick ankles."

We get it. Bad stuff. Who knows what unspeakable horrors lurk if you have a wide face. 

OK, I bought the book ... I don't want to look fat. But I like to think about my body in a kinder gentler light. I was expecting slimming fashion tips for people who already feel awesome ... the icing on the cake so to speak ... certainly not a tutorial in self-loathing. Lots of negative waves and way too much information about compression garments.

Here's the good news: I felt super after flipping through it because I simply do not see myself as a collection of bad body parts to be hidden and tamed. I was like, whew, at least I don't have that! In reality, I probably do have that, but I find it's better not to look real hard. It's kind of like going to your high school reunion and wondering who all the old people are.

There are nuggets buried in the book, but I'll save you some money and tell you the good parts. Nude heels -- they lengthen the leg line and go with just about anything.

Comments

[Kathy]

Glad I didn't buy it, but just put it on my library queue. But like you said "good for a hmpf."

But seriously, do we need another book to alert us to our "flaws"?

[Tina]

New reader here, 39 and transitioning to gray. Love your blog. A few words about Charla* I never even heard of her till about a week ago and from what I have researched honestly I feel kinda bad for her. She really has put herself in a "beauty" box that only has one outcome and that is Joan Rivers II. Have you seen Joan lately............eeeks. Also I can spot a dye job about a mile away and guess what ladies, it ages you. I know that is hard to believe but it is the truth.

[Cathy Fontenot]

I agree about the dye jobs, Tina. Now that I've gone through the transitioning process, I'm more aware than ever of dye jobs, and also more aware of women in transition to natural or who have already gone natural --- which of course includes those who have never colored. How I wish I had been smart enough to have never gotten on the dye roller coaster to begin with.

I've gotten so many compliments on my hair and appearance since 'going gray.' The word some have used to describe my new 'look' is elegant. Who'd have thought? lol

[barbara]

Charla looks like snow white but maybe she is the evil alarmist witch from old fairytales.
Deranged perception of reality today.
I can abstain on her pieces of wisdom.

[Donna Pekar]

So maybe I really was too kind to Charla! I also agree dye jobs can be aging. Maybe when there's angst going on inside, it shows up unbecoming on the outside.

Welcome, Tina! Thanks so much for joining us. Help keep us out of the "beauty box." I love that.

[SusanJune]

Now here's an unexpected result from going gray that would bug old Charla,lately I've noticed that I get more admiring glances from men. Not older men as might be expected but youngish, mid 30's to early 40's. I am wondering if it is because the hair is a little different and causes them to take a second look. Not that I base my self worth on what blokes think but as a 45 year old its nice to be noticed sometimes.

[Donna Pekar]

OK, SusanJune, true confessions. I notice the same thing. I felt invisible as a dyed person, but I can't believe the number of men who check me out now that I have silver hair. I view that as a good thing (not that I base my self worth on what blokes think).

[Tina]

Thank you for the welcome Donna, I am enjoying reading your blog.

Susan* yes I make it a point to give out compliments to women who have gray hair. Dyed bottled jobs are a dime a dozen aren't they, my husband wonders why I walk up to strangers with compliments. A total men are from mars moment. For me it's more than just your hair looks great gray, I respect you ladies out there flaunting the gray. I'm on the bandwagon doing the calico cat look big time right now. I figure it will take me a full year to get this crap dye out. I won't do a pixie cut because I don't have pixie features. So it will be a LONG process but I am excited about it. Charla would just puke if she saw me, LOL!!!!!!!

[barbara]

I nearly puked lately. Went downtown by the metro and a middle-aged couple rolled in and took seat. Both seemed to use the same color of dye for their helmets. The woman kicked of her shoes and put her feets on the opposite seat.They were breathing heavily, they were really fat and although being a a lot of years younger than me they just looked old and odd.
Dye never can save youth. Never.

[barbara]

But what blokes think is not so insignificant!
It's simply a good taste of men and we should appreciate it.
They won't look after a boaring Aachener Printe.

[SusanJune]

Oh don't you worry I appreciate it Barbara! Especially the buff 30 something surfer bloke at the beach the other day and the fella who winked at me at the traffic lights. I make sure to tell my husband about these things to keep him on his toes. Donna, I can easily see why you would get perved at (charming Australian term) from the beautiful silver hair to those amazing legs! Not that we would base out self worth on what blokes think though.....

[pau]

hei rock the silver.
your blog is inspiring! i am a little bit younger (29 y old :D), but since i stopped coloring my hair a couple of years ago i have noticed already some white hairs.. not even silver, but really really white.
and i have to admit, i love them! they make me feel special. they make me feel the age i am, which is somewhere between young (that i definitively am) and grown up (i have grown into).
i guess being beautiful is about accepting who we are and letting others have that opportunity to see the real us too.
thanks for blogging! :D

[barbara]

SusanJune - that was to Donna's adress.
BTW - please all of you dear readers please excuse my sometimes clunky use of english language.
For now and in the future.

[Paula]

Barbara--

"Old and odd"--isn't that EXACTLY what we all fear? Any shopping mall or downtown street offers plenty of sad examples, too.

I think we're going for Old and Cool instead, even if we don't always get there. It seems to me that hair dye and bling especially are prone to go wrong, but I think there's also a few things that are almost guaranteed to work, whether "fat" or "odd" is the effect we're hoping to avoid.

1) Wear clothes that are contemporary but not from the juniors' department and that FIT you. (Very hard to find, I realize).

2) Wear decent, flattering undergarments of relatively recent vintage that also fit well.

3) Stand up straight.

4) Live in present time. Nobody has to know every passing flavor-of-the-month celebrity but a lot of people are stuck in what for most of us was a happier past. Unfortunately, "past" is the operative word. Throw out old makeup, watch different TV shows occasionally, and don't have your car radio always parked on the "golden oldies."

I work with several people who never leave the soundtrack of the 60s. Sometimes the hair color, as you observed, is also back there, too.

[Linda]

I don't agree that dye jobs are always bad: there are people who pay a talented hair stylist to use quality products and it looks fine. I know what you're saying, though: just the other day, I noticed a bad, sad henna job that a friend of mine inflicted upon her own head. (must figure out a tactful way to compliment her real hair!)

Although I don't dye my whole head, in the past I have on occasion had my stylist add a few streaks, not because of gray but because blond hair darkens and looks pretty muddy during the winter. Frankly, the silvers growing in here and there are adding that streakiness now -- and they are WILD!! so I've got some curl and flip I never had before in such measure.

[Donna Pekar]

What a lively discussion! Thanks, all, for contributing. You are all so wise! A hearty welcome to Pau. We appreciate the younger perspective. Where would I be without my Stylish Young Coworker? Congrats on your white streaks. Let us not forget -- old and odd is bad ... old and cool is good.