A woman at work who is about my age complimented me on my hair this week and said she would go gray except that she competes with younger folks at work. I said, well, I do too, but I'm pretty sure they know how old we are. I'd rather just be in their face about it.
I don't think we project our most positive vibes when age and try to pretend it hasn't happened. Hell, yeah, it happened. And you'd better be glad it did, because I am that much better because of it. I'd much rather project the confidence of someone who has learned from life, is exceptional at her job and comfortable in her skin. Hide? I don't think so.
Hair is just one variable in how you are perceived. We are also judged by how we dress, what we say and even how we walk. A colleague was describing someone to me the other day, and he said, "You know, he looks like the dead guy walking." And I knew exactly who he was talking about.
I'm reading an excellent book about becoming even more vital both mentally and physically as we age. It's kind of groovy -- not for everyone -- but the stretching exercises alone are worth the price of admission. I find myself walking with more spring in my step. Gray hair isn't aging -- but aging is aging if you don't pay attention to your body and mind.
Yesterday I was shopping for a new bicycle. My hair was down and freshly blown, and I wore workout tights and my Rock the Silver t-shirt -- thinking I might do a test ride. The guy who runs the shop was probably my age or a bit older. He was pointing out a bike and said, "You're young and fit -- you won't grow out of this bike."
All day I kept thinking, he said I was young! I've stated quite frequently that I don't care if I look young, but still, it's better than if he had said, "You're getting on up there, and you won't need this bike for long." I asked my husband later if the guy was just flirting to sell me a bike. I mean I've got this crop of gray hair and wrinkles to match, surely he didn't really think I'm young?
My husband said, "Nah, it's how you come across. You seem young. That's probably what he meant."
Maybe they were both flirting.
Great post. I'm with you on the gray hair and not trying to hide your age. And yes, even though you do seem young, they were both probably flirting with you.
Posted by: Susan Daniel | January 21, 2012 at 02:39 PM
Donna, I LOVE your new profile picture. And I agree with you 100%. To offer another perspective (I am a student of the Bible) I share what Proverbs 16:31(The Message version) says: " Gray hair is a mark of distinction, the award for a God-loyal life." Honestly, for me, that is it--that's everything.
Posted by: Account Deleted | January 21, 2012 at 07:19 PM
Love this post. Reminds me of something my mother told me long ago, when she was doing yoga before it was trendy..."You're only as old as your spine." LOL! I think it may be true---flexibility of body comes across as a youthful appearance.
Posted by: Elizabeth | January 22, 2012 at 07:23 AM
Here's the thing. If you color your hair, everybody can tell. So, if you want to color your hair, then do it for a color that you really want and really like. Because that's like wearing the clothes that you really want to wear. But don't do it (hello, orangey brownish) just to "cover the gray". Because absolutely everybody knows anyway.
So, yes, it is about authenticity. And pride in where you've been. But it's also true that a lot of us think our gray is a gorgeous color. And paired with vibrancy, it is undeniably attractive. There was a book out a few years back called "Young and Hip". It was all about tricks and tips to look that way when you are no longer those things (both of them, a matter of opinion...) I read it and, after pondering for a while what didn't feel right about it, I realized that my goal was not young and hip. My goal is fresh and healthy, with that touch of duende which we cancer survivors have. And which I have also noticed has brung-the-flirting, so much so that my husband joked that I ought to start wearing my wedding ring when I go out in public alone. I would, but it's too tight and doesn't fit anymore! (Which proves being skinny isn't all its cracked up to be, either.)
Posted by: Maru | January 22, 2012 at 12:07 PM
Thank you Susan, Lina, Elizabeth and Maru -- your comments are wonderful. I love hearing your perspectives -- it definitely takes a village to find our way through this experience.
Posted by: Donna Pekar | January 22, 2012 at 06:05 PM
I'm trying to get away from accepting "young" as the gold standard of compliments. The trouble is that there's not a tidy umbrella term for a fit, vital, forward-thinking woman over 40, so "You seem so young," has become the shorthand compliment. When I hear it, it's hard not to feel flattered, yet there's a nagging sense that what I really am has somehow been devalued in the process.
Posted by: Michelle | January 22, 2012 at 06:58 PM
Lina -- I meant to thank you for the compliment on my new picture!
Michelle -- Wow. You've given all of us something to think about. You're right -- it's hard not to feel flattered, but really, that's the best they could do? We need to invent a new word that captures fit, vital, forward-thinking woman over 40. I will put on my thinking cap!
Speaking of benchmarks, I'm no longer accepting "thick" as the gold standard of hair.
Posted by: Donna Pekar | January 23, 2012 at 03:27 AM
I just love this: "I'm pretty sure they know how old we are. I'd rather just be in their face about it."
And yep, they were both flirting.
Posted by: MamamiauBarb | January 23, 2012 at 08:27 AM
You are so welcome and I agree with the poster who pointed out that your new profile photo is adorable. Expect more flirting. You look fabulous. Whatever you are doing, keep at it!
Posted by: Susan Daniel | January 23, 2012 at 02:38 PM
I think that aging is terrific! (And how I wish some of my wonderful friends were still alive, to age.) Why should we think being or being perceived as young is the only way to be beautiful?
For now,I colour my hair, because I prefer the colour I have, which is neither the colour I was born with, nor the colour I'd be without the box. I feel no less authentic doing this than I do when I apply lipstick.
Posted by: Duchesse | January 23, 2012 at 02:51 PM
Duchesse -- I love your unique perspective. It's not about hiding from age, it's just about doing what you want. I wrote awhile back that my husband said he admired the blondes who stayed blonde for life. He said they were not shirking from anything -- they just wanted to be blondes, and he totally got that. Maybe similar in sentiment?
Posted by: Donna Pekar | January 23, 2012 at 04:54 PM
Actually, I checked again and the book I was remembering was called "How Not to Look Old" -- I got the title wrong. I was remembering "Y&H", which was the shorthand used throughout the book for its stated goal of young and hip.
Not to be confused with the web site How Not to Act Old (http://www.hownottoactold.com/), a site I quite enjoy and which has a banner graphic that always makes me laugh.
Posted by: Maru | January 24, 2012 at 11:05 PM
I just added the How Not to Act Old blog to my reader. It is brilliant. Thanks, Maru.
Posted by: Michelle | January 27, 2012 at 07:15 PM