Rock the Silver

Wella SP LUXE OIL update

I updated my original post online, but for those of you who subscribe via email, I wanted to be sure you saw this. An alert reader read the label, and Wella SP LUXE OIL does contain silicones. I was convinced it did not, but I was wrong. I still think it's a great product and doesn't build up like other silicone products I have used. I will continue to use it, but I know some people are careful to avoid silicones, and I didn't want you to spend money on a product that isn't right for you.

I'm so sorry for the mistake!

Product crush: Wella SP LUXE OIL

Knowing which products to use on our hair is probably one of the questions that gets answered in the eternal hereafter, right after the meaning of life and why the fuss overJustin Bieber. The answers certainly seem to be elusive here on Earth. I didn't have as much angst when my gray hair was short, but my longer gray hair is prone to dryness and frizz.

In my search for a solution, I've gone back and forth on sulfates and silicones. I still stand by my earlier post, In praise of cones. Cones help with frizzies and breakage, but I eventually grew to dislike the plastic-like coating that accumulates on the hair. I called it Plastic Ono Hair. Sure, you can wash it out with sulfates, but then you start the vicious cycle all over again. I've been sulfate and silicone-free for several months now.

I'm still experimenting with shampoo and conditioner, but I've been using a leave-in product that surpasses everything else I've tried and eliminates the need for any kind of mouse, gel ... even hair spray. The product is Wella SP LUXE OIL, and I bought it upon the recommendation of Barbara, our wonderful friend in Germany. It was not easy to find in the United States. I bought it online here with no problems and free shipping.

It's basically a blend of oils. Hence the name. After shampooing and conditioning in the shower, I wrap my hair in a microfiber towel. When I take the towel off, I use two pumps and distribute it through the middle lengths and squeeze it into the ends of my hair. Then I comb through. If I air dry, it holds the wave. If I blow dry, it's smooth. It does not weigh down my somewhat fine hair, and in fact, I seem to have more body than ever. I don't use it every time I wet my hair -- you can see and feel whether you need to add any.

Wella SP LUXE OIL is my new product crush. I love not using sticky goo on my hair -- just natural oils that smell good and feel good. My hair is soft and silky. The flyaways are tamed, and I don't even use a spritz of spray anymore.

Two haircuts ago, my stylist had to cut extra off due to damage from the flat iron. I now only use the flat iron on my bangs. I blow dry two or three days a week and air dry the rest of the time. If it doesn't look work-worthy, I simply wear it up. I really love my hair and can't imagine going back to the patented fake brown with coppery highlights I used to sport.

I rarely get compliments on my hair from colleagues. Perhaps it's too threatening. I choose to reveal what they choose to hide. However, I was on business travel, and somebody threw a nice one my way. I was eating dinner by myself in the hotel bar full of other business people. Lots of men with gray hair, but I was the lone woman rocking the silver.

Apparently the waitstaff had a huddle to discuss my hair. I could see them talking and looking sideways at me. I figured I had spinach in my teeth. It would seem they appointed the young female bartender their spokeperson. She came over and said, "We just want you to know you're hair is beautiful."

Gray hair is in many ways an act of rebellion, and you can't expect to be showered with compliments. But every now and then, kind words magically appear. Enjoy them.

UPDATE: An alert reader read the label, and Wella SP LUXE OIL does contain silicones. I was convinced it did not, but I was wrong. I still think it's a great product and doesn't build up like other silicone products I have used. I'm so sorry for the mistake!

Hair accessory change agents

I noticed a woman at work with a new do, shorter, and she said it was because she didn't have time to fuss with it anymore. I said I am following the Hillary Clinton model of growing it out so you can wear it up or in a pony. She said, yes, that was a good plan, but she didn't have the patience to grow her hair.

Well, I survived the growing out stage. It's long enough to wear up in a variety of ways, and I am enjoying it. Once again thinking about my bangs -- maybe growing them out, but I always change my mind. It's not a lack of patience. It seems like I always end up deciding I look better with bangs. I also like that they show deliberation -- bangs sort of demonstrate that I didn't forget to cut or dye my hair. I made a choice. However, bangs are higher maintenance, and maybe it's time for a change.

Another woman I noticed at work -- a youngish fast-tracker female attorney -- was wearing a claw clip. They are also called jaws. Hillary wears them, but she's the national icon of hair accessory change agents. I have never worn one to work due to some ridiculous rule I read somewhere about it being uncool. I have them at home, of course, as seen above on the left, because they are easy and securely hold hair out of the way. I can usually get a little height at the crown using a claw or jaw, and that's another plus in my book.

That said, I use my french twist comb as observed on the right, for my career-worthy updos. But dag, I love those claws. If they are good enough for a high-powered attorney, it seems like I ought to be able to get away with it. The barriers are only in my head.

In related news, blogging friend Lisa at Privilege strikes a lovely pose in a stunning biker jacket and what appears to be a scrunchie (or some variation thereof) in her long gray hair -- and I love it! Great inspiration, Lisa! Thank you.

After all that, I say we just do what we want. Let's be hair accessory change agents! I personally will be investing in a new claw clip (oops, my hair isn't brown anymore). Oh, and perhaps a scrunchie.

For stunning hair accessories, check out:

Stone Bridge (they don't ship to the U.S.)

France Luxe

Photographing gray hair

Of all the doubts I've had about myself throughout life, the one thing I have never questioned is choosing to rock the silver. I absolutely love my gray hair. But I admit that sometimes when I see a picture of myself, I am less than impressed.

How could I feel so positive and then have it all blown away by a photo? One could go into all the psychological ramifcations, but I think much of the problem is simpler and less introspective. Lighting! Most artificial lighting used in photography does not flatter our shiny silvers.

I had an executive portrait done at work that I posted on my LinkedIn profile. At first I was impressed by the professionalism of a studio shot. My skin looked amazing! But I kept going back to it, and it didn't look like me. My hair looked muddy, and my smile looked fake. I thought, who would want to connect with this person?

Everyone tells you to have a serious image on LinkedIn, but I decided it was more important for my energy to come through. And yes, for my hair to look good. I think my blog photo does all that. I took the photo myself with my tripod in my backyard. The blog photo is now my LinkedIn photo, and everytime I see my profile, I think, yes, I would want to connect with this person. Not that I am looking, but I would hire her, too!

The point is if you are already gray or thinking about going gray -- don't judge yourself by indoor pictures. Lighting is not always your friend. I don't think this means that everytime you are indoors, you look awful. When you are multi-dimensional and moving, the light will capture your colors and spirit.

But there's something about still photography that captures the worst and dulls gray hair. That's why they pay people lots of money to make models look amazing. Mere mortals have backyards and balconies. However, I have decided to invest in a better camera, so if I learn anything new, I'll come back and share the results.

Whatever color your hair is, take some time today to admire your inner beauty and know that all the goodness inside is reflected in your lovely self.

50 shades of hair colors

Happy New Year! This is my New Year's Day attire: jammies, robe, third-day hair and no makeup. And you know what? I like it.

And I really like my hair. I was back in the hair science laboratory over the holidays conducting experiments on my head. Here's what I learned, as it applies to me, at this precise moment in time ... because everyone knows The Hair Paradox states that as soon as you think you know something, you will find out later that you were wrong.

1. The magazines want you to have hair that is hard to maintain.
2. You don't need a $100 cut to look good.
3. Silicone conditioners detangle and prevent breakage.
4. Silicone conditioners can eventually make hair dull and less wavy.
5. Shampoos with sulfates are OK once in awhile to eliminate build-up.
6. Styling products are overrated.
7. Less product = less buildup = less sulfate.
8. A little bit of silicone goes a long way.
9. Use silicone in the tangle-prone area on the back of the neck.
10. Use silicone-free conditioner everywhere else.
11. Shampoo as little as possible.
12. Condition when you wet it even when you don't wash.
13. Blow-dry as little as possible.
14. Don't brush as much.
15. Wear it up a lot.
16. Use hair-friendly accessories like sticks and french twist combs.
17. Finger comb when you put it up for a fuller look.
18. Do not compare your hair to the hair you see on TV.
19. Love the hair you have.
20. Don't judge someone by the color of her hair.

About #20 ... I love my silver hair, and my mission is to present it as a hip and stylish choice. That is not changing. What is changing is my perspective. I understand not everyone wants to join team gray, and that's cool. I've been judgmental about those who have made a different choice, and I regret that.

We are part of a much larger team, and there's plenty of room for everyone at the party. What I see is an emerging online community of amazing midlife women writing about the journey in all its parts. I want to be part of a dialogue that ultimately transcends hair color. Where are we going? What are we going to do next? What are you going to wear?

I'll be the one rocking the silver.

Gray-haired woman gets promoted

In the category of shocking but true, I have been promoted to a challenging position at work reporting to the president of the company. I've been interviewing for other jobs more along the lines of what I already do, but with this one, they came looking for me, and it was an opportunity I couldn't turn down.

My email exploded yesterday when the word went out. Lots of congratulations and hallway handshakes, of course. Most of my colleagues were genuinely delighted and proud, but a few expressed concern about how hard the job will be. Like, who wants hard?

Me! I'm just not the type to slither off to a comfortable place and rest. That's a recipe for an early exit, and I'm just getting started. Do I wish an opportunity like this would have come earlier in my career? Sure, but it took all this time to learn what I've learned and evolve into who I am! I'm honored my company's leadership wanted to leverage that experience.

Those who expressed something along the lines of sympathy about the new job were all late-career professionals. The young ones get it, especially the women. They are not scared of hard work. I think what they see in me a balanced fun person who works really hard and is successful -- and that inspires them. I heard words like badass and role model and pimp. I had to explain to my husband that pimp is good.

I'm glad I didn't listen to all that crap about gray hair ruining your career.

Mid-life job interview

One tiresome tale I hear all the time about gray hair is that it will ruin your career. Last week I interviewed for two jobs, and the only person who thought about my hair was me.

The jobs are with the company I currently work for, so it's not anything I need to keep secret. Another advantage of interviewing with your current employer is that they already know you. They know your work, your reputation. And they know what you look like. In my case, they were not expecting Career Barbie. It's always good to meet expectations.

I did worry a bit about whether I should wear my hair up or down. There are people out there who don't like long hair on middle-aged women, and they really don't like long gray hair on anyone walking upright. I played around with it some and decided to wear it down. My french twist looks good from the back, but I haven't quite mastered the full frontal updo. It can look severe, and hair down made me feel approachable.

What to wear? I was flying for both interviews with no stop home in between, so that made it trickier. I only bought two new items -- an ivory silk blouse to go under my jacket and some black 50 denier tights. I hate pantyhose, so I felt my only choices were tights or pants. Since I was traveling, I wore wrinkle-free St. John Knits. They are expensive, but they are figure flattering and last forever. I buy mine on eBay for a fraction of what you'd pay in a store.

My choice was black skirt, black tights and black flats. I wore the tweedy knit jacket zipped up with a contrasting tank peeking out for interview #1, and I wore the same outfit with the silk blouse under it and the jacket open for interview #2. I felt professional, comfortable and confident, and I can only hope that was reflected during the interviews. I did not break out in hives or sweat profusely -- which is always a plus.

As I look back on the week, I'm glad I put myself out there. I'm not a braggy person, but a job interview is no time to be modest. I wanted to come across as confident but not arrogant, and I believe I accomplished that. It was self-affirming to focus on what I bring to the table and present myself as a serious and competitive candidate. We may be mid-life, but to borrow from Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, there's no need to leave before we leave.

I gave it my best. I may or may not get an offer, but it was still a great experience no matter what. If you've been afraid to go out and interview for jobs because you think you're too old or too gray or too anything, I encourage you to reconsider. Packaging your experiences for an audience will help you see yourself in a new light.

In praise of cones

I have been experimenting with shampoos and conditioners since I went gray. For the past couple of years, I've stuck to sulfate-free and silicone-free products. I discovered they work OK, but it takes a boatload of conditioner to de-tangle and de-frizz my longish dry hair. Plus, the natural products are typically not cheap. I've spent a fair chunk of change on high-end products that barely did the job.

There was an old bottle of something in the product graveyard otherwise known as my bathroom, so a couple of weeks ago I started using it. The product contains silicones. I noticed an immediate improvement in my hair. This product is a leave-in designed to straighten, so I lost a bit of the natural wave, but I was fine with that.

Last weekend I did a bit of internet research on drugstore shampoos and conditioners and dropped a whopping $10 on new goo. The shampoo contains sulfates, which are said to be harsh on hair. The conditioner contains silicones. Some people, particularly the curlies, are totally against silicones. Others say it depends -- whatever works for you.

I've decided they work for me. I'm only using a dollop of conditioner, and a comb slides right through without breakage. My hair is shiny, full and wavy if I let it air dry or straight if I blow it. The silicones do build up over time -- your hair starts to look and feel greasy or weighed down. But it's easy to shampoo it out and start all over. That's why God made sulfates.

I had this vision of being a natural girl, but it wasn't working for me. There's so much hype about what's good and what's not, and I think it comes down to individual experience. For whatever reasons, my hair likes silicones. What I don't like is the smell of my new products, but at these prices, I can continue to shop around.

Any recommendations? I've been such a product snob -- I can't believe I'm saying this in my outside voice. I'm currently trying out Herbal Essences Hydralicious Reconditioning Shampoo and Neutrogena Triple Moisture Conditioner -- the fragrance is tolerable. For weekly clarifying, I'm using Suave Daily Clarifying Shampoo. Again, the fragrance is tolerable, but I feel certain I can find something that doesn't give me a headache.

POSTSCRIPT:

I've been contacted by a fine and reputable retailer to feature some of their dresses that I like and link back to their site. I assume some sort of minimalist compensation is involved -- I haven't asked yet (what I really want is the dress). I write whatever I want to write and use their high-quality and completely legal images to illustrate my post. I would disclose that this is a sponsored post.

Does this sort of thing offend you or turn you off? I like the idea because it allows me to explore and share fashion on a different level, but please let me know if you think this idea blows. I am grateful for your ongoing support and value your opinions.

Haircut refresh for fall

I got a haircut today ... a little refresh for fall ... and wanted to post the pic while my silver strands are still all nice and smooth from the professional style job. She took off about a half an inch and blunt cut the ends. We kept the short bangs, because we like the slight edginess -- as edgy as a middle-aged corporate hack gets anyway. My stylist said she had given a similar haircut earlier that mornng, but she also dyed it hot pink. Working for the man -- it pays the bills but one does sacrifice pink hair.

Even when you're growing your hair, trims every six to eight weeks make a huge difference. My hair looks healthier after a little trim. I like the salon, which caters to a punkish crowd. No snotty judgment. No lectures from the Botoxed forever blondes. And I like this stylist -- she even commented how she loved the dark part of my hair underneath and the silver on top. Serious kiss up points!!

How is your hair coming along?

Stronger in the contrast

"For women of any age, the integrity of the hair should always look beautiful. It should look shiny, healthy and young. When women over 40 wear longer hair, keeping it off the face is important because it casts shadows on the face, which can make you look older," explains Anthony Cole, international Sebastian artist.

I read the above quote in an article, "Too old to wear braids?" on Style Goes Strong. I guess I go there because I'm not pissed off enough already and need something to push me over the edge. The headlines alone can make me go all Linda Blair. But I look anyway. It's just like when I complain to my husband that the new Abby gives really dumb advice, and he says, "Why do you read it?" I don't know. I am accustomed to agitation.

We'll skip over the part about hair having integrity. That hurts my head (I went to a state college). The quote mostly annoys me because women are trying to figure out how to age and look good, but the beauty industry translates that into a constant pounding that everyone has to look young. Good and young are very different concepts. The older I get, the less I even want to try and reach back and have a grab at young. I'm over it. I would rather press onward and redefine what good looks like.

And I'm seriously not scared of a few shadows making me look older. Hair up, hair down, in my face or in a braid. Bring it on. To quote Charles Dickens, "There are dark shadows on the Earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast."